I know lots of women that formula feed, probably as many women as I know that breastfeed. I mix my son's bottles with tender loving care, and enjoy feeding him even though he isn't getting "the good stuff". It is hard to forgive yourself when the world is telling you that Breast is Best and you don't have the physical ability to feed your baby with your body.
My Journey
There was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted to breastfeed my son. Cloth diapering and breastfeeding were the two things that I was dead-set on. Sometime around hour 6 of his life I had two nurses bring us some pre-mixed formula and a deep depression set in. My son wasn't getting enough from me; I couldn't sustain this perfect little life on my own, so I would need help. I cried so hard, thinking that if I just got the tears out I could get past it and be okay.
I breastfed my son before every bottle for as long as he would eat. Sometimes he would be on the boob for hours! Sometimes he would just go until he got so hungry he'd just start crying. I returned my breast pump and got a new one, alas, it didn't work either. How did I keep getting faulty pumps? I ate right, drank my weight in water every day, made lactation cookies, I took mother's milk supplement, fenugreek and all the other pills. I fought with my doctor, my OB and my lactation consultant when they said that I was "just one of those women that won't produce enough". I bawled my eyes out at the WIC office, with three lactation consultants standing in front of me refusing to help me because I have a job.
I kept my baby on my bare skin as much as possible. I tried to keep him on a feeding schedule so I could make my body produce more. I rented a hospital pump for a period of three weeks and in that time I pumped 2 ounces, pumping 3 or more times a day. Not 2oz per pumping session. Two ounces in the entire three weeks.
Learning to Deal
Some women have trouble getting their babies to latch right. Others get cracked nipples. Some don't produce enough milk. EVERYONE says, "just keep at it, if you are dedicated it will work out!" Me, I just cried. I cried with nearly every bottle of formula that I mixed, I cried when my son cried from hunger while I was trying to nurse him. I cried when he lost weight and then wouldn't gain it back. I cried when he got constipated from the formula and every time he spit it up. I cried because I never once got engorged, I wanted to badly to feed my own baby When other people were around I tried to keep my tears bottled up. I was trying everything. I was dedicated. It WILL work.
The day I was supposed to go back to work was the day I decided to get help for my post-partum depression. I couldn't breastfeed while taking anti-depressants, and I couldn't produce anything from pumping anyways. Almost 7 straight weeks of trying, I never got the relief of being able to feed my son without supplementing with formula. Today my son is a chunky, happy little squirt that is unendingly happy with his bottles.
Why I Felt Attacked
Everyone seems to have an opinion about how you chose (or are forced) to feed your baby. "Babies that are formula fed aren't as smart." "Babies that are formula fed aren't as healthy". I've seen a breastfed and formula fed babies act and do all the same darn things! I've seen a two and a half year old formula baby that has mastered seven different languages. I've seen breastfed babies that have autism or ADD. I work with Doctors that after I explain to them everything I've just written down, simply shake their heads and say, "I don't understand why you didn't have better supply. Why didn't you try harder?"
Yes, yes, we all know that "Breast is Best", but it is not the only option. Some people chose to formula feed. Some chose to breast feed. It is most important that baby is happy, healthy, and well-fed. My son smiles and laughs all day long, he is smart and he is on par with the other babies in his day care class. I enjoy feeding him even more now because (I'm not crying) I don't feel an overwhelming amount of pressure and I know I am doing what is right for our family. I no longer let anyone make me feel like I'm doing wrong by my son, or that I'll "get it right next time", or that my son is suffering because he is on formula.
I Learned the Truth
I took my son with me to the mall a few weeks back, and in the food court I sat to have a drink of water and give him his bottle. A group of people walked by and one of them murmured, "That is so inappropriate!" I looked around and saw a mom breastfeeding her baby under a cover just a few tables away. Her eyes cast to the floor she apologized as one of these idiots came up to her and told her that she's in the wrong place to be doing that. I got up, walked over, may have *slightly* bumped the lady talking out of her tush. Whoops didn't see you there. "Yeah," I said, "The baby feeding table is over here, come join us!" I helped her move her things over to my table, and we sat and had a nice chat while feeding our babies.
It was then that I realized that it was never about the breast or the bottle, but the people that had them. Formula is not the end of the world. A coworker, a stranger, even a friend or family member not approving of me breastfeeding or bottle feeding is not the end of the world. There should be no more tears spilled over this predicament. Please know that if you are giving it your all to breastfeed, there are so many areas of support out there, so many people willing and able to help you. If you are bottle feeding, know that you are supported too! No matter your race, background, culture, continent or how you feed your child, you are still a mom. Moms need to stick together.
My Journey
There was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted to breastfeed my son. Cloth diapering and breastfeeding were the two things that I was dead-set on. Sometime around hour 6 of his life I had two nurses bring us some pre-mixed formula and a deep depression set in. My son wasn't getting enough from me; I couldn't sustain this perfect little life on my own, so I would need help. I cried so hard, thinking that if I just got the tears out I could get past it and be okay.
I breastfed my son before every bottle for as long as he would eat. Sometimes he would be on the boob for hours! Sometimes he would just go until he got so hungry he'd just start crying. I returned my breast pump and got a new one, alas, it didn't work either. How did I keep getting faulty pumps? I ate right, drank my weight in water every day, made lactation cookies, I took mother's milk supplement, fenugreek and all the other pills. I fought with my doctor, my OB and my lactation consultant when they said that I was "just one of those women that won't produce enough". I bawled my eyes out at the WIC office, with three lactation consultants standing in front of me refusing to help me because I have a job.
I kept my baby on my bare skin as much as possible. I tried to keep him on a feeding schedule so I could make my body produce more. I rented a hospital pump for a period of three weeks and in that time I pumped 2 ounces, pumping 3 or more times a day. Not 2oz per pumping session. Two ounces in the entire three weeks.
Learning to Deal
Some women have trouble getting their babies to latch right. Others get cracked nipples. Some don't produce enough milk. EVERYONE says, "just keep at it, if you are dedicated it will work out!" Me, I just cried. I cried with nearly every bottle of formula that I mixed, I cried when my son cried from hunger while I was trying to nurse him. I cried when he lost weight and then wouldn't gain it back. I cried when he got constipated from the formula and every time he spit it up. I cried because I never once got engorged, I wanted to badly to feed my own baby When other people were around I tried to keep my tears bottled up. I was trying everything. I was dedicated. It WILL work.
The day I was supposed to go back to work was the day I decided to get help for my post-partum depression. I couldn't breastfeed while taking anti-depressants, and I couldn't produce anything from pumping anyways. Almost 7 straight weeks of trying, I never got the relief of being able to feed my son without supplementing with formula. Today my son is a chunky, happy little squirt that is unendingly happy with his bottles.
Why I Felt Attacked
Everyone seems to have an opinion about how you chose (or are forced) to feed your baby. "Babies that are formula fed aren't as smart." "Babies that are formula fed aren't as healthy". I've seen a breastfed and formula fed babies act and do all the same darn things! I've seen a two and a half year old formula baby that has mastered seven different languages. I've seen breastfed babies that have autism or ADD. I work with Doctors that after I explain to them everything I've just written down, simply shake their heads and say, "I don't understand why you didn't have better supply. Why didn't you try harder?"
Yes, yes, we all know that "Breast is Best", but it is not the only option. Some people chose to formula feed. Some chose to breast feed. It is most important that baby is happy, healthy, and well-fed. My son smiles and laughs all day long, he is smart and he is on par with the other babies in his day care class. I enjoy feeding him even more now because (I'm not crying) I don't feel an overwhelming amount of pressure and I know I am doing what is right for our family. I no longer let anyone make me feel like I'm doing wrong by my son, or that I'll "get it right next time", or that my son is suffering because he is on formula.
I Learned the Truth
I took my son with me to the mall a few weeks back, and in the food court I sat to have a drink of water and give him his bottle. A group of people walked by and one of them murmured, "That is so inappropriate!" I looked around and saw a mom breastfeeding her baby under a cover just a few tables away. Her eyes cast to the floor she apologized as one of these idiots came up to her and told her that she's in the wrong place to be doing that. I got up, walked over, may have *slightly* bumped the lady talking out of her tush. Whoops didn't see you there. "Yeah," I said, "The baby feeding table is over here, come join us!" I helped her move her things over to my table, and we sat and had a nice chat while feeding our babies.
It was then that I realized that it was never about the breast or the bottle, but the people that had them. Formula is not the end of the world. A coworker, a stranger, even a friend or family member not approving of me breastfeeding or bottle feeding is not the end of the world. There should be no more tears spilled over this predicament. Please know that if you are giving it your all to breastfeed, there are so many areas of support out there, so many people willing and able to help you. If you are bottle feeding, know that you are supported too! No matter your race, background, culture, continent or how you feed your child, you are still a mom. Moms need to stick together.
