As a young girl, I always remember wanting to become a mother. I couldn't wait until I was mature enough and married so I could have children of my own. That dream took many heart-breaking years of disappointments and two miscarriages to come true. I never thought that I would have so many difficulties to conceive. I was healthy and in my twenties. No physical problems were found during my fertility workups. This article describes the emotional effects and difficulties I experienced throughout my journey to become a mother .
People Starting Families Around Me
It seemed like friends and family were getting pregnant and not even trying. I remember one of my Army buddies telling me she was pregnant by accident. I was so jealous. I didn't see how that was possible, considering I was trying on purpose with no luck. My older sister kept her pregnancy a secret from me for six weeks because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I felt bad that she did not feel comfortable to celebrate her exciting news with me. I felt like time was running out before there would be a huge age gap between everyone else's kids and mine.
Not Having Control Over my Body
I would get so disappointed with my body and felt so helpless. I wished I could look inside my body to see what was happening. My reproductive organ was a such a mystery. My husband had his sperm tested and it was fine. The only thing the doctors could tell me was "Give it time". I felt less of a woman. I remember feeling like I was letting my husband down. The hardest part was not knowing if I would ever be able to conceive. I had limited control of how and when I would have children.
Becoming Obsessed
Getting pregnant became an obsession. I was constantly searching the web and visiting libraries to find that one piece of information I missed that might help me to conceive. I was hyper-alert to my body and even convinced myself that I was pregnant several times. The days surrounding my period were torture every month. I hated the waiting period to see if I had finally achieved conception. Every time I would go to the bathroom I would be relieved that I did not start, only to eventually be disappointed. Once I would start, I would feel stupid for dwelling on it so much and dedicating so much mental energy to this obsession. I went to a counselor to help me cope with the mental agony.
Sex Becomes a Chore
My sex life turned from love-making to procreating. It was not about affection, but getting that seed at the right time. Many times, I remember my husband not being able to perform because the pressure was too much. I did not want to have to wait a whole month to try again because I did not get what I needed in time. It was extremely frustrating.
Not Fitting in with People Around Me
As I was getting older, it was harder to fit in with family and friends that had children. I didn't want to go to the children's birthday parties and baby showers. I felt like it was not fair. I would think "Why did it come so easy to others?". It seemed so natural for them. I was desperate to have children and it seemed impossible. I was getting older, as was their children. I didn't want to be remembered as the Aunt that was childless.
In my late twenties, my husband and I went to training to adopt a child through the state. Artifical Insemination and In Vitro fertilization was too expensive, as well as adopting a baby. After the training, I decided to wait a little longer to see if nature would come around. At 29 years old after two miscarriages, I held my first son in my arms. The emotional journey I went through all of those years will stay in my mind. I'm lucky that eventually my dream came true, however, not all people are so lucky.
